fear and doing...

The more I’m afraid of something, the more I know I have to do it.  I figured that out when I was a kid.  I can lead a protected life – hiding away from the scary world.  Or I can take on the things that scare me the most.  The more it might hurt, the more I might die doing it, the more worth doing it must be. – Marlee Maitlin, The L Word, “Luck Be A Lady”

I'm catching up on season 4 of The L Word.  I'm always a season behind because it's cheaper to buy the discs than subscribe to Showtime.  And, really, the only show I want to own is this one.  The others (Weeds, Dexter, Californication, etc.) I'm perfectly content to get through Nexflix.  But that's not what I want to talk about, nor does it have anything to do with the quote above except I'm watching that episode now.

I spent most of my life afraid.  Afraid of what would happen if I applied myself to something, afraid if I didn't.  Afraid people wouldn't like me if I was me, afraid of being alone.  I became whatever people wanted me to be.  I went to school and wrote papers because it came easily to me and I didn't have to apply myself to do well.  I became a teacher because it was easy.  I worked in libraries and became a librarian because I was good at it and didn't involve risk.  I got married because it was the logical, easy step that was expected of me.  I stayed with him because it was safer than leaving him.  I never took personal risk.

Until last year when I realized that not taking risk had made me miserable and I was tired of it.  Until I realized that taking personal risk was really the only way to enjoy life.  And, really, the reason for it.  So I left my husband whom I didn't really love but felt safe with (2 very different things), started to live as me - fell in love, fell out of love (and continue to do so fairly regularly), been hurt and hit bottom within myself.  I hurt those I shouldn't have, and almost destroyed something I hold precious. 

I have pushed myself to take professional risk and been denied several times.  Do I still have a safe job that doesn't challenge me?  Yes.  But I've also pushed myself outside of just my organization & have presentations and proposals in the works for things not quite what I do.  So it's not safe anymore.

Am I afraid?  Sometimes.  Am I afraid to lose people or that they will hurt me?  Occasionally.  Am I afraid that I might lose a job or screw up my career?  Now and then. But the above quote really speaks to me.  If I could die doing it (or feel like I want to die should it go badly) then it's worth doing, worth keeping, worth trying.  I didn't figure it out when I was a kid; it took me 36, almost 37 years to do so.  It took me that long to come to terms with and accept that safety doesn't mean happiness or contentment but that no one is always happy and if I'm content then I'm not truly living.

Thanks Ilene Chaiken and the writers of that episode for that quote.  Thanks the good friends I've developed this year who have accepted that I'm not going to be perfect and I'm going to fuck up when I take risks, but that I'll learn from it.  Thanks my family (well, most of them) and long time friends who might as well be family who want me to be me, accept me as me, knowing that I'm going to take risks and fuck up.  And thanks me, for getting to the point where I like me and am willing to accept that risk and fear shouldn't keep me from things I want.  And that the things I want are often that of which I am most afraid.