5 posts tagged “fiona apple”

This is another one of those songs that I definitely change the pronoun.  It reminds me so much of someone that it often makes me stop what I'm doing and just listen.  And sometimes sigh.
She's a brilliant lyricist and a great singer.  The whole Extraordinary Machine album is brilliant (the other 2 have fabu songs on them (and Pawn has more, but there are singularly better songs on Tidal) but all of EM is outstanding). 

Those boom times
Went bust.
My feet of clay,
They dried to dust.
The red isn't the red we painted it's
Just
Rust.

And that signature thing
That used to bring my following,
I have trouble now
Even remembering.
So why did I kiss her so hard
Late last Friday night?
And keep on letting her change all my plans?

I'm either so sick in the head that I need to be bled dry to quit,
Or I just really used to love her.
I sure hope that's it.

I knew that
To keep in touch
Would do me deep in dutch
Cause it isn't the rush of remembering
It's
Just
Mush.

And that signature thing
Is only growing harrowing.
I should have no trouble now
To keep from following.

So why did I kiss her so hard
Late last Friday night?
And keep on letting her change all my plans?
I'm either so sick in the head I need to be bled dry to quit,
Or i just really used to love her.
I sure hope that's it.
- Fiona Apple, "Tymps (The Sick In the Head Song)"

Falling out of love is very enlightening. For a short while you see the world with new eyes.
-    Iris Murdoch

yes, I know.  The post title is lyrics from a Fiona Apple song (Sarah, come to FL one day and I'll give you your prize.)  And the quote is from Iris Murdoch, whom I adore.  But they express the same things. 

I've been thinking recently (and working out in therapy) about those we let into our lives, those we take walls down for, open up to, become emotionally intimate with; those with whom we fall in love, those whom we love. 
Now, falling in love is exhilarating, wonderful, terrifying, exciting, fantastic, amazing.  But it's also transitory and fleeting.  Falling in love lasts an hour, a night, a week.  But it doesn't last a lifetime.  I constantly fall out of love, and fall back in - whether it's with a single person, or someone else, it's the same feeling.  But it doesn't require a lowering of walls or letting someone deeply in.  Falling in love is physical, chemical. 

The letting down of walls that leads to the intimacy of friendship, of love, is something that I'm continually working on in my life.  I don't think walls are unhealthy as long as you're aware of them and know how they affect your relationships with people, and know when to lower them.  Letting people in, loving someone, isn't chemical, it's not physical, it's all about trust.  And that takes time to develop.

When I fall out of love - the chemical kind - it stings but I do see things differently.  I look at others warily, but my trust isn't compromised.  Walls weren't really lowered; I let someone in, but not completely. I know it will happen again and it'll be all those things above. (It doesn't matter either way in the end/Because you'll fall in love again/And there were others before me. - She Wants Revenge, "Walking Away")

When we stop loving someone, someone we let in, someone whom we let see The Stranger (guess I'm in a musical mood) and survived we do see the world differently.  When that happens, whether because that someone hurts us or we just stop loving (it does happen, people change), for a it colors our vision, makes things appear other than what they were. 

How does this actually relate to my life?  Well, I stopped loving my husband.  When I recognized that (though it had happened long before I recognized it), I viewed the world through almost paralyzing sadness.  When I fall out of love, it's a bit of sadness that colors my eyes, but also a sense a hope because I know that I will fall in love again. 

Anyway, I'm loving my life, whether I'm in love or falling out, no matter how I'm looking at the world, it's through eyes that I control.  And I'm working on the walls. 

I had to wait until something struck me this morning.  This came in rotation on my iPod and I knew it was a Fiona day.

What is this posture
I have to stare at
That's what he said when I was sittin' up straight
Change the name of the game cause he lost
And he knew he was wrong but he knew it too late.

But I'm not being fair
Cuz I chose to listen to that filthy mouth
But I'd like to choose right
Take all the things that I said that he stole
Put em in a sack
Swing em over my shoulder
Turn on my heels
Step out of his sight
Try to live in a lovelier light.

This is not about love
Cuz I am not in love
In fact
I can't stop falling out...
I miss this stupid ache.
- Fiona Apple, "Not About Love"

Well, I've been doing some locked posting other than the lyric of the day, but I know there are people who aren't on vox that read my blog and have been wondering what's up.  Therefore, a year in review - especially since today was a major significant day in my family last year.

So:

• This time last year I was in Philadelphia waiting for my aunt to have her kidney removed because she had kidney cancer.
  She's now doing very well - better than she has in years.
• Around the time of my grandmother's 90th birthday, things came to a head with my not-soon-enough ex and we decided to divorce.
  I'm still in that process and am tired of it.  I just want it over.
  
• I started living life the way I want to, on my terms, as who I am. 
  This is the healthiest and happiest I've been in years.  I have good friends and have really found what's important to me. 
• Work is work.  I'm always looking for something else, but in the current climate of FL libraries, I'm hesitant to change jobs.
  I like what I do and most of the time where I do it.  Right now, I have the hat trick of stress:  divorce, selling a house and people close to me dying.  I don't need to add a 4th stressor.

The only thing I can add is that at this exact time, I have had, for the better part of the past 2 weeks, in and out of my head, the following song.  For those who get it, bear with me.  It's a rollercoaster that I'm not really minding riding at the moment.  It is what it's supposed to be.  And it's all just fine.

This is not about love
Cuz I am not in love
In fact, I can't stop
falling
out...
I miss this stupid ache.
-Fiona Apple, "Not About Love"

What song best describes your current mood?
Submitted by Section31.

Parting Gift - Fiona Apple