This goes out to 2 couples that I admire a lot. I've been thinking a lot about LDRs and as much as I like to see people on my terms, I still like to see them more often than a great distance allows. 
Good for you, my friends, for being able to sustain it.  A wise woman once said that it clarifies what's important to you. 

Here I am again in this mean old town.
And you're so far away from me.
And where are you
When the sun goes down?
You're so far away from me.

So far away from me.

So far I just can't see.
So far away from me
You're so far away from me.

I'm tired of being in love
And being all alone.
When you're so far away from me.
I'm tired of making out on the telephone.
And you're so far away from me.
- Dire Straits, "So Far Away"

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The more I’m afraid of something, the more I know I have to do it.  I figured that out when I was a kid.  I can lead a protected life – hiding away from the scary world.  Or I can take on the things that scare me the most.  The more it might hurt, the more I might die doing it, the more worth doing it must be. – Marlee Maitlin, The L Word, “Luck Be A Lady”

I'm catching up on season 4 of The L Word.  I'm always a season behind because it's cheaper to buy the discs than subscribe to Showtime.  And, really, the only show I want to own is this one.  The others (Weeds, Dexter, Californication, etc.) I'm perfectly content to get through Nexflix.  But that's not what I want to talk about, nor does it have anything to do with the quote above except I'm watching that episode now.

I spent most of my life afraid.  Afraid of what would happen if I applied myself to something, afraid if I didn't.  Afraid people wouldn't like me if I was me, afraid of being alone.  I became whatever people wanted me to be.  I went to school and wrote papers because it came easily to me and I didn't have to apply myself to do well.  I became a teacher because it was easy.  I worked in libraries and became a librarian because I was good at it and didn't involve risk.  I got married because it was the logical, easy step that was expected of me.  I stayed with him because it was safer than leaving him.  I never took personal risk.

Until last year when I realized that not taking risk had made me miserable and I was tired of it.  Until I realized that taking personal risk was really the only way to enjoy life.  And, really, the reason for it.  So I left my husband whom I didn't really love but felt safe with (2 very different things), started to live as me - fell in love, fell out of love (and continue to do so fairly regularly), been hurt and hit bottom within myself.  I hurt those I shouldn't have, and almost destroyed something I hold precious. 

I have pushed myself to take professional risk and been denied several times.  Do I still have a safe job that doesn't challenge me?  Yes.  But I've also pushed myself outside of just my organization & have presentations and proposals in the works for things not quite what I do.  So it's not safe anymore.

Am I afraid?  Sometimes.  Am I afraid to lose people or that they will hurt me?  Occasionally.  Am I afraid that I might lose a job or screw up my career?  Now and then. But the above quote really speaks to me.  If I could die doing it (or feel like I want to die should it go badly) then it's worth doing, worth keeping, worth trying.  I didn't figure it out when I was a kid; it took me 36, almost 37 years to do so.  It took me that long to come to terms with and accept that safety doesn't mean happiness or contentment but that no one is always happy and if I'm content then I'm not truly living.

Thanks Ilene Chaiken and the writers of that episode for that quote.  Thanks the good friends I've developed this year who have accepted that I'm not going to be perfect and I'm going to fuck up when I take risks, but that I'll learn from it.  Thanks my family (well, most of them) and long time friends who might as well be family who want me to be me, accept me as me, knowing that I'm going to take risks and fuck up.  And thanks me, for getting to the point where I like me and am willing to accept that risk and fear shouldn't keep me from things I want.  And that the things I want are often that of which I am most afraid.

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This song came around on the shuffle on my iPod and it just fits the concept of my mood recently so perfectly.  What I want to know is why some people just don't get this...

Course, the audio file is on my other computer and on my ipod, so y'all will just have to read the lyrics.

Jagged Little Pill

Alanis Morissette

Not The Doctor - Alanis Morrisette

I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air

I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
I don't want to be your babysitter
You're a very big boy now
I don't want to be your mother
I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

I don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon
And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
I don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face at midnight, hey
What are you hungry for

I don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don't want to be your idol
See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights
I don't want to be lived through
A vicarious occasion
Please open the window

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

I don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week
I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart and it's wounded beat
I don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling
What do you think me
What do you think me for

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

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Who or what do you really love?

In no order:  My grandmother. My dogs. My bird.  Myself.  Pizza.  coffee.  a good fire on a cold, rainy night.  life.  being in love.  

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